Here we are, between seasons; still recovering from the summer. Who wants to hear me drone on about the trials, tribulations and shortcomings of the hardworking HVACR contractors of the world and their longsuffering employees?

How about instead of my usual hard-nosed rant, we take a humorous approach to business management? The following lists were taken from observations I've made over 13 years on the road as sales trainer/business consultant. There should be a little something in here for everyone.

The Criminal Always Returns to the Scene of the Crime
An Open Letter to the Readers of Contracting Business

I first appeared in these hallowed pages in the October, 1992 issue. I stayed with the magazine for seven years. By then the two wonderful people who “discovered” me, Dominick Guarino and Jeff Forker, had gone on to other things. Dominick started the National Comfort Institute, and Jeff had moved high enough up the Penton Media food chain to no longer look after me.

I grew tired of Mike Murphy's nagging attempts to improve my writing and presentation skills and left in search of a place where they were more accepting of my meager talents.

Now, nearly five years later, I've gotten used to Murph, worked on my writing skills and, fortunately, the magazine has lowered its standards. Plus, I love these people. So, I'm back.

On a serious note, when I sat with Jeff Forker 90 days before he passed away, he again demanded that I return “home.” Additionally, as unbelievable as it may seem, less than 24 hours before his passing, Tom McCart (who loved this magazine) also urged me to return to Contracting Business.

So, here I am. I promise that every month I'll bring you the same thought-provoking, hard-hitting, hard-nosed and occasionally humorous articles you've come to know and hate. I welcome your feedback and, if you slam me hard enough, we'll print it in the magazine.

Thank you for your continued support. Now, hang onto your volt meters, ‘cause I'm powerin' up and somebody's gonna get shocked!

Yours for increased success,

Charlie “"Tec Daddy" Greer

Although there isn't one shred of evidence that supports the notion that life is serious, for those of you with no time in your lives for humor, take a closer look at these lists. There's a message in every line. If you enjoy this, let me know and I'll supply you with more like it in the future.

Tec Daddy's 12 Simple Rules for Managers

(Remember, these are jokes):

  1. You're always right, even when you're stupid.
  2. Employee illness is a manifestation of laziness.
  3. Teamwork is when other people do your work for you.
  4. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  5. Low morale is caused by character flaws in your employees.
  6. The problem is not a lack of resources, it's a lack of meetings.
  7. All vacations and holidays, except for your own, create problems.
  8. Communication is a must, and if you're talking, you're communicating.
  9. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  10. The careful application of terror is your most effective form of communication.
  11. Abuse is a form of recognition. And recognition is what every employee wants.
  12. If 10 people can complete a project in 10 days, then one person can complete the project in one day.

Tec Daddy's Rules for Employees:

A couple of thoughts for those of you who work for a living:

  • A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants
  • Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it
  • The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get
  • Never argue with a moron, people listening in won't know who is who
  • Don't make yourself irreplaceable. If you're irreplaceable, you won't be promoted
  • You can go anywhere you want if you carry a clipboard in your hand and look serious
  • When bosses are talking about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves
  • If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no sense in being a durn fool about it
  • Following the rules will not get the job done and getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules
  • It doesn't matter what you've done. It only matters what you say you've done and what you say you're going to do
  • Never buy stock in the company you work for. It will only cause you to worry about the lousy work you're turning out.

This is for everyone: You know you've been on the job too long when:

  • You've trained all your bosses
  • Your spouse left you last year and you just found out
  • Everything at work finally begins to make sense to you
  • You don't dress to impress at work, they know you too well
  • The people listed on your resume as references are all dead
  • You glance at your watch and you don't remember if it's a.m. or p.m.
  • You start believing management when they tell you, “We know what we're doing”
  • You're the only one who thinks the ring in the guy's nose across from you is weird
  • You get up on Sunday morning and accidentally drive to the office instead of church
  • Your wife tells you it's time for bed and you tell her, “There's two hot jobs ahead of you.”

Charlie Greer is the creator of TEC Daddy's Service Technician Survival School on DVD.
Contact Charlie by calling 800/963-HVAC,
e-mailing
charlie@hvacprofitboosters.com
or visit him on the web at
www.hvacprofit boosters.com.

Fall sessions for Greer's four-day HVAC Sales Survival School are: September 28-October 1, October 5-8, and October 26-29.